in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We're too hungover to prance.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
