Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
