My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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