So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
