I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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