Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
