so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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