So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
