News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
tell me about the eggs
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