you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
