He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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