I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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