I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
