I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
