i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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