She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
