i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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