Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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