Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
