I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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