how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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