i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
