who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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