The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
