Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your penis caused this!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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