I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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