so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
