now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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