All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
