Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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