The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
