i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize