I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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