i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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