having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
