the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
