Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
