cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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