who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
