i would punch a child for taco bell
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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