I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
