remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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