the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
