I think I won the penis lottery.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
