I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
