I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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