so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
