I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
