Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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