thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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