Fuck appropriateness.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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