shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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