I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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