his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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