I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
