Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
