My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
