please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
