Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
